


Why'd you only call me when you're high?

by offgunpointe



Category: HQ - Fandom, Haikyu, anime - Fandom, haikyuu
Genre: Angst, Canon Universe, Hallucinations, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Medications, mental health
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-07
Updated: 2021-01-07
Packaged: 2021-03-18 01:15:51
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,721
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28609686
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/offgunpointe/pseuds/offgunpointe
Summary: ‘Why did you only ever phone me when you’re high?’ Akaashi smirks, getting cocky at the regret that is slightly forming across Bokuto’s face.For the first time, Bokuto couldn’t think of anything else to say.
Relationships: Akaashi Keiji/Bokuto Koutarou, Kozume Kenma/Kuroo Tetsurou
Comments: 3
Kudos: 13





	Why'd you only call me when you're high?

**Author's Note:**

> Hello this is my first time writing about anime characters/ships so please bare with me, I tried to make it as "canon" as it could get. hehe. 
> 
> Before reading I just have to remind you guys that this is completely fictional, this doesn't represent someone who has depression or mental illness that are taking medications. !!THERE IS AN EXAGGERATION WITH THE "MEDS" THAT ARE TACKLED IN THIS STORY!! Please keep in mind that I am not trying disrespect people who are going through these things nor am I trying to romanticize mental health issues. I am also not promoting the excessive use of drugs. I am just telling a fictional story as it is. 
> 
> TW: Depression, Medication, Mentally Abusive Family/Parent, Hallucinations, Drug abuse
> 
> other than that, I hope you guys enjoy :))

* * *

********Last day** **

‘You’re early today’ Akaashi smiled, looking up at the boy in front of him before he looks down to his watch just to confirm that it is just 2:50 am. The cold air brushes his skin as he looks towards Bokuto who is now fidgeting.

‘I don’t want to be late on the last day’ Bokuto said, his voice shaking as he looks back on the past few cold midnights they spent together.

Akaashi chuckles, ‘You don’t look too excited for someone who’s supposedly recovering’ he arches his eyebrows, from the short amount of time he knew Bokuto, he knows how hard Bokuto is trying right now not to pout and bawl its eyes out, making him feel a brief sense of relief.

It’s not bad to think that Bokuto would somehow miss him.

‘Am I?’ Bokuto breathes out, forming a fog in front of his face.

‘Are you what?’ He doesn’t want to be that person but he couldn’t help but make Bokuto spell it out for him to fully understand. That’s what he’s here for. To be a friend. A companion that is willing to listen.

‘Am I really recovering?’ Bokuto asks as if he couldn’t believe it himself, even though he heard of it a few times now. He even got the printed copy of his results.

He’s down to his last pill and that’s it.

That’s the end of whatever this is.

‘I don’t know’ Akaashi answered, clasping his hand together, leaning his chin on top of his cold fingers. ‘You’re the only one who could really tell’

‘That means, this is the last time that I’m going to see you’ Bokuto said once again, hoping that if he said it enough it would change the fact that he would be forced to face the world alone once again.

‘Yeah’ Akaashi said quietly as he nods his head, looking up at the stars above them. ‘Why did you only ever phone me when you’re high?’ Akaashi smirks, getting cocky at the regret that is slightly forming across Bokuto’s face.

For the first time, Bokuto couldn’t think of anything else to say.

* * *

****First day** **

Getting prescribed this meds really did calm Bokuto down but as far as feelings could go, he couldn’t really tell if he’s still alive. He’s numb from head to toe as he hugs his figure tighter due to the cold air that is sending shivers down his spine. It’s almost three am and he finds himself walking around his neighborhood, thankfully he lives in a quiet street that it doesn’t really bother him to walk around in a little adventure at this hour of the day. It’s probably not the best idea to leave the house after taking his anti-depressants but how can they expect him to “recover” when he’s in the same house with the people that suffocated him into this.

The same people that pulled him towards the abyss that is depression.

Though he might not look like it, he prefers to stay at home, that is, when things were better and people aren’t on each others’ throats twenty-four seven.

He sighs, creating a small fog in front of his face, he’s quite sure that not all meds are this strong, he took some other brand before, but his doctor persisted he get this one because the other ones aren’t really doing him any good.

This one felt different, that it concerned him for a moment, but once it kicked in and he could think of anything other than the his heavy eyes, he really couldn’t complain.

He remembers reading the side effects of the prescribe drugs before taking it, aside from gaining a couple of pounds and minor hallucinations, there really is nothing he should be worried of.

Or so he thinks.

He takes his hands from his pocket to rub it against each other, the cold really is getting into him now that it’s almost winter. He tried to blow warm air into his hands in an attempt to lessen the cold before he saw a bench down the street, near the park. He took a couple of slow steps before he finally got there and sat down.

He breathes out, closing his eyes and leaning against the bench. Getting out of that shithole feels like a treat after a long week of hearing people scream at each other.

_When did things get this bad?_ He thought to himself as he massages his temple. If he really thinks about it, he could pin point the exact moment he knew he would go down the rabbit hole. It was when he caught his father cheating on his mom with someone else.

For some other, it might not be as bad as how hes taking it, but after trying to live a perfect life suited for a person that was evidently lying to him all these years, feels like the end of this world, and everything after that was just a spiral of screaming from the people he loves the most.

‘It’s 3 am, what are you doing here?’ Someone from beside him said, taking him by surprise as he opens his eyes to look at the guy who looks about his age looking down at his slouching position.

He sits right up, fixing his shirt that was crumpled from sitting like a maniac. ‘What are you doing here?’ He asks, throwing the question back for he doesn’t know what to say.

‘I don’t know, I’m always here at 3 am’ The guy smirks, making him feel a slight discomfort for whatever reason he couldn’t quite figure out. He’s not gonna lie it’s kinda creepy.

There was a moment of silence that passed between them before he decide to clear his throat and ask, ‘So, what’s your name?’

‘I don’t think there’s a need to know, to be honest’ The other guy shrugs, chuckling as he sees Bokuto’s expression. One thing that Bokuto hates is people trying to be mysterious, like he actually cares about them.

The other guy sighs before he gave in, ‘Akaashi, my name is Akaashi’

Bokuto nods his head nonchalantly before returning an answer to a question that was never asked, ‘I’m Bokuto’

‘I know’

Bokuto didn’t think anything of it since there are a lot of kids in his grade that he doesn’t really know the name of, maybe Akaashi is one of them.

There’s a lot of people in his life he doesn’t really fully remember, the version of them he saw are even more shallow than other people think, that he’s not sure if he ever even knew someone enough to be called a friend.

‘So, what got you here?’ Akaashi rephrased his question from earlier even though he already knows the answer.

‘I just want some fresh air’ Bokuto shrugs, earning a nod from the other person. When there’s no one speaking between, Bokuto took it as a chance to observe the guy beside him, boring holes into his head.

Akaashi have this dark wavy hair and strong facial features that would probably intimidate Bokuto if they are not alone together at three in the morning, which is kind of ironic in some sense since you should probably be more scared to the person you meet at midnight than the person you would see walking down the street in broad daylight but Akaashi felt different.

There aren’t any fear lingering towards Bokuto.

Though,he doesn’t know how he would explain it or how he knew, but Akaashi doesn’t look threatening at all, he even looks inviting, if he’s gonna put it at something.

Friendly, to say the least.

‘Well it was nice meeting you Akaashi’ He smiled warmly, before standing up, walking away after he sees Akaashi smiling back at him.

For now, knowing another person would be enough for Bokuto, since he’s not really the type of person who opens up to people he just met.

‘Ditto’ Akaashi answered.

And with that Bokuto walks back to his house, who would have thought, he might even made a friend in that unusual encounter.

* * *

****Second day** **

****

‘So do you go to my school or?’ Bokuto asks to fill in the air, like what Akaashi told him. He is always here at around three in the morning.

‘Depends on the day’ Akaashi jokes, winking at him. No matter how comforting Akaashi’s presence might be, he has to admit, he doesn’t really get the guy, it never answers his questions directly and a part of him doesn’t really want to pressure Akaashi into answering things he might not be comfortable with.

If the guy is here at three in the morning like him, there must be something Akaashi wants to forget or escape from.

Just like him.

Just like everyone else.

Despite of his wants on not pressuring Akaashi, he could still tease him, right? ‘A mystery huh’ He wiggles his eyebrows at Akaashi, maybe that’s not the smartest move to make a friend, he could only see him getting all awkward and shit.

‘Everybody could use a little mystery in their lives’ Akaashi smirks, intriguing Bokuto even more. There’s something about Akaashi that makes him want to just know the guy even more.

‘I guess you’re right’

Bokuto hums, letting the cold and crisp air whisper sweet nothings into his skin while almost everything around him spins, well everything excepts Akaashi. The guy looks clear as hell, and if Bokuto is exaggerating a little, he would think that Akaashi is the only clear thing in his world right now and he knew the guy for only a couple of hours.

Maybe he is exaggerating.

‘So what do you do for fun?’ He asks, when no one seems to have anything to say. Akaashi looks up at the sky, thinking about it for a moment before answering.

‘I don’t really have anything I like in particular, I’m just here I guess’

Bokuto looks up from the pavement he has been staring for awhile already, ‘I’m pretty sure everybody has something they love doing’ He urges, even he himself have something he really loves doing and that’s a lot coming from a guy who prefers to sit in his room alone to stare at the ceiling.

‘Well I don’t know, maybe volleyball?’ Akaashi finally answered, making Bokuto shoot up from his seat with eyes wide open.

‘Really? Do you play? What team are you in? I’m in Fukurodani’ He says, almost too excited for his own good, but Akaashi doesn’t seem to mind at all.

‘I like watching it, I’m not in any teams though’

‘What?’ Bokuto exclaimed like it was such a crime for Akaashi to not be in any teams, ‘You should totally play. Wait, actually you know what?’ Bokuto suddenly stands up, looking down at Akaashi like he’s offering a challenge.

‘What?’ the other guy asks, raising his eyebrow.

‘We should play together, you could toss some for me or you could learn how to block. I could teach you if you want’

Akaashi chuckled at how Bokuto looks like a child who’s about to go to the zoo or something.

‘I guess that would be fun’ Akaashi laughed as Bokuto nodded happily before sitting back down again.

‘But let me warn you, I’m the star of the court and if you have high expectations it would take you some time to beat me’ Bokuto boasted playfully, crossing his arms over his chest.

‘You could be the world Bokuto, for all I care, I’ll be right beside you. Right here.’ Akaashi smiled, taking Bokuto by surprise once again.

Bokuto smiled back, shaking his head, It feels weird to have someone say that to him with so much conviction. Especially someone whom he just met, but he guess there’s no harm in accepting it.

Though it is weird, it feels nice.

Maybe it’s his longing for affection or maybe it’s just his medication but he could almost feel his heart pounding in his chest as soon as he heard those words from Akaashi.

The air just became even chillier as minutes goes by between, Bokuto hugs his figure before he clears his throat, standing up to his feet once again. ‘See you tomorrow?’ He raises his eyebrow towards Akaashi who’s still sitting comfortably on the bench.

‘Yeah, see you’ Akaashi smiled.

‘Same time?’

‘Uh huh’

* * *

****Third day** **

****

‘Bokuto!’ Someone called from behind him, making him look back, only to see Kuroo jogging towards him to catch up.

Though, studying at different schools and also playing against each other since freshmen year, Kuroo and him maintained a very nice and healthy friendship, well if you could call it that since they rarely see each other nowadays.

‘Hey, what brings you here?’ He asks, looking around his school’s parking lot.

‘I was just around the area, I heard that you could only get this kind of magnets near here’ Kuroo explained, raising the magnets in his right hand for emphasis. ‘So I bought some and I figure that I could pay you a visit while I’m at it, do you want to maybe get some Imagawayaki with me?’

Not seeing any reason to decline the offer and that it would also be a great excuse to get out of the house, he agreed. The walk towards the place that sells Imagawayaki is near so they don’t have to walk that far off campus.

‘How are you?’ Kuroo asks, trying to be subtle as to not step on any lines that might trigger Bokuto.

‘I’m good, better, you?’ He answered with another question before biting into the snack they just bought.

‘I heard you were visiting your doctor once again’ Kuroo stated, completely ignoring his question. He looks up to Kuroo as if asking how it knew his weekly visits.

Kuroo sighs, ‘It was Kenma, he saw you enter the clinic’ Kuroo answered, there’s no point in denying anyway. ‘There’s nothing to be ashamed of, if that’s what you’re thinking about. In fact, it’s good right? You’re getting better’ Kuroo continued while they walk towards the park across the street, sitting down on one of the swings.

‘I guess’ Bokuto sighs, sitting on the swing next to his friend, slightly swinging forward.

‘So…’ Kuroo dragged, hoping that Bokuto would get where he is getting without him actually having to say it out loud.

‘I’m fine, except from the dizziness I get from the medication, I’m doing better’ Bokuto answered. ‘Well better than I ever was, I guess’

‘No hallucinations or anything?’ Kuroo suddenly asked, halting the swing gently with his feet and looking directly at Bokuto.

‘Not that I know of’ He shrugs, it was stated that he might have minor hallucinations because of the medications but he doesn’t think anything of it since he hasn’t experienced one yet.

Kuroo sighs, ‘That’s good’ he smiled. He’s really proud of seeing Bokuto making steps into recovering. Though, they might not see each other that often, he still considers Bokuto as one of his closest friends, and after what happened last year, he just doesn’t want to see Bokuto going through the same shit again.

‘How about you? How have you been doing?’

‘To be honest, I missed playing against Fukurodani’s ace’ Kuroo chuckles, taking another bite of the snack on his hand, finishing it off and wiping the side of his mouth.

‘Damn right you do’ Bokuto laughs, even he himself misses playing against Kuroo or just plain playing volleyball. After last year, though he doesn’t really remember the exact events, he was advised to take a break from playing volleyball, wasting almost a year of being able to do what he loves most.

‘When are you going back?’

‘I’m looking into it, but right now I’m not sure if I could’ He answered honestly, leaning more into the empty space behind him.

‘You could take your time, we’re here waiting for you to claim your spotlight once again’ Kuroo winked, earning a soft chuckle from the both of them. ‘But not before you beat me’ Kuroo smirks.

Bokuto is actually considering it once again.

Maybe now that he has someone to teach, he could ease his way back to playing volleyball.

* * *

‘Come on, try it’ He said, urging Akaashi to receive the ball he has been trying to serve.

‘I can’t’

‘Are you scared of the ball?’ He asked, settling the ball in between his arms and making his way towards Akaashi before taking a seat, giving up on playing today. It might have been a stupid idea to try and teach someone after taking his meds and at three in the morning.

‘Yeah that’s it’ Akaashi chuckles. He could help Bokuto in a lot of ways but playing volleyball with him might take a little bit more effort than just listening and talking.

‘Well promise me we’ll play some other time’ Bokuto pleaded, playing with the ball in his hands, spinning it around before searching for Akaashi’s dark blue eyes.

The latter smiled before nodding his head, ‘We will’

Bokuto smiles, after months of struggling with finding his motivation to even pick up the ball he finally has the courage to try once again. It might not be the biggest step but it is a start.

‘Why did you stop by the way? I mean, you told me how much you love volleyball and you seem to talk about it every time we meet, so why stop?’

Bokuto swallows before answering, remembering how he hasn’t told Akaashi about his condition and the medication he has to take, plus, he’s not really clear on what happened last year so he couldn’t get himself to say it fully. ‘Well Uhm’ He hesitated, scratching the back of his neck.

‘I was advised to take some time off, and you see, I have been taking some medications, it’s better to just take a break for awhile’

‘Is that really it?’

Bokuto shrugs, ‘Yeah, I guess that’s it. Why?’

‘Nothing, I just thought that maybe there are other reasons as to why you need to take a break’

For a moment Bokuto paused, as if there was something he forgot to bring, ‘Not that I know of’ He answered, racking his brain for a better answer just to be caught in the dead end.

‘Well I think you should try again’ Akaashi smiled, making his heart stop for a moment, ‘You look like someone who could be good at it and I really want to see you play, for at least once’

‘But promise me to also try and play with me for at least once first’

They both laugh like they should but none of them seems to be joking.

‘Fine, I’ll try’

That’s all Bokuto has to hear to have this little hope seeping through him.

* * *

****Six days** **

‘What do you want to be after all of these?’ Akaashi asked, there are fewer stars in the sky tonight that it might rain later.

‘Maybe a professional Volleyball player, you?’

‘That suits you’ Akaashi smirks, the image of Bokuto playing in bigger games is a sight to see, ‘If given a chance I would probably be in the field of media, maybe in newspapers or magazines. I don’t know yet. I might also try making webtoons or stories, I don’t know something along those lines’

‘Would you make me the main character of one of those?’ Bokuto jokes, wiggling his eyebrows at the other guy.

‘I’ll think about it’ Akaashi teased back before he saw Bokuto pouting once again.

‘Okay, if that’s how you want to play then I guess I don’t have a say’ Bokuto sighs, earning an eye roll from Akaashi.

‘All of these are hypothetical anyway so stop pouting about it, we’ll see once we get there’ Akaashi laughs, Bokuto really could be a little too over dramatic at times.

‘So hypothetically, would you?’

‘Yes Bokuto’ Akaashi answered, looking at Bokuto straight in the eyes, ‘You could be the main character of my story’

Bokuto smiles, the warm feeling spreading inside of him towards his cheeks and ears, making Akaashi smile even wider.

‘You could be mine too’ Bokuto cleared his throat before scratching the back of his neck, looking anywhere except Akaashi’s eyes.

The crisp air enveloped their figures as they stare up into the midnight sky, sending shivers down Bokuto’s spine. If he, a guy who has layers of clothes are shivering from the cold how painful would it have been to Akaashi who’s only wearing a plain t-shirt, so without thinking he took off his team jacket with the number four behind it and placed it on the other guy’s shoulder.

Saying that his heart skipped a beat at the sight of Akaashi wearing his jacket would be an understatement, for it didn’t only just skip a beat, it almost like he forgot everything else.

Everything except Akaashi.

Maybe it’s too early to think like this, but is it really?

When even is the right time?

One thing he knows is that whenever he’s with Akaashi the surge of comfort just embraces him like he just got back home after a long trip in a very far away land or the smell of your room after sleeping over your friend’s house.

It’s comfort.

It’s warmth.

it’s familiar.

That’s it, Akaashi has always been familiar.

* * *

****Eleven days** **

‘Wow, you bought your guitar today, I didn’t know you even knew how to play’ Akaashi smiled, tapping on the space beside him. His finger slipping out of the jacket that is twice his size.

‘A little’ Bokuto boasted, straightening his back as if to make himself even bigger, making Akaashi’s cheeks turn pink.

‘So are you going to show me how great you are at playing the guitar or did you just bring that for style’ The latter teased, wiggling his eyebrows. Now it’s Bokuto who’s turning shy.

His fingers grazes the strings of his guitar, testing the waters. Determining if it was on tune. He could feel the heat coming from Akaashi’s stares as he swallows the lump forming in his throat before he hums the melody of a song that reminds him of Akaashi and the little time they spend together everyday.

The first words that came out of his mouth were almost like whispers he wishes Akaashi would understand. There are times where sweet whispers are better than loud shouts of admiration.

_‘Hold, hold on, hold onto me_

_  
_ _'Cause I'm a little unsteady_

 _  
_ _A little unsteady’_

He looks up and see his “yellow” staring back at him with an emotion he couldn’t quite figure out and for the first time in his life he doesn’t want to know. He doesn’t have the need to be sure.

With Akaashi he’s okay with just being here.

He’s okay with just being alive.

Yes, for most people he sounds insane, exaggerated even. In some parts, it is. He’s known the guy for eleven days and now he’s singing a fucking cliche song? This is more than what he has done for anyone in his entire life but do we really have to have a concrete reason to express ourselves to someone.

For Bokuto this is the right time, because in every second he doesn’t spend with Akaashi is wasted time, he doesn’t know why he thinks that way but he could almost feel time slipping away between the both of them, maybe he was just being anxious because it would only be months before they go to college and Akaashi might go to somewhere far away from him. He doesn’t really want to waste any time with one of the few people he lets get close like this.

_‘_ _Mama, come here_

 _  
_ _Approach, appear_

 _  
_ _Daddy, I'm alone_

 _  
_ _'Cause this house don't feel like home_

_If you love me, don't let go_

_  
_ _Whoa, if you love me, don't let go’_

He looks up only to be welcomed with Akaashi’s warm smile that radiates down to his spine, the loneliness of feeling alone all this time, gone. He knows that this is enough to help him get by, toxic to some, yes, and even though he’s not the type to be selfish, today he’s choosing to be one.

He wants to know the guy beside him even more, go to places unfamiliar to the both of them, learn things that are gonna stick with them as long as they live.

He wants to be with Akaashi for more time,

‘Do you maybe want to uhm’ He paused singing to ask a question he’s been meaning to ask. ‘Do you maybe want to grab some coffee later?’ He asks, only seeing how lame he sound after the words actually left his mouth. He doesn’t know what else to say to Akaashi as an excuse to spend more time together, so he went with the first thing that came to mind. He’s not even sure if the guy likes coffee.

Akaashi nodded, ‘Sure, I’ll be there’

He could feel the heat rising to his cheeks before he continues to strum the guitar,

_‘_ _But if you love me, don't let go_

 _  
_ _Whoa, if you love me, don't let go_

_Hold, hold on, hold onto me_

_  
_ _'Cause I'm a little unstea-’_

He was about to finish the song when someone from behind him calls his name, he turns around to see his friend Kuroo, making its way towards him.

‘Hey’ He said as soon as Kuroo was right in front of him. He raises his eyebrow, curious as to why Kuroo is here at this time of the day. ‘What are you doing here?’

‘I was calling you and you weren’t answering, that’s why I got worried. Since last year I can’t just let you go off alone, I just, I can’t.’ Kuroo answered, trying to catch his breath.

‘What? I’m sorry I left my phone at home. Why would you be worried?’ Bokuto chuckles, looking at Kuroo like he grew three heads. This is too much even for Kuroo, considering that he lives in another part of town.

This is just over the top, and he can’t let Kuroo do this each time, it’s very unhealthy. Plus, he doesn’t need to be worried, this is just three minutes away from his house and he’s with Akaashi.

Kuroo sighs looking around, ‘What are you doing here alone at three in the morning Bokuto?’

‘I’m-’ He was about to introduce his friends with each other, only to welcomed by a vacant space beside him. ‘Where is he? Did you see him go?’ He asks Kuroo, he was pretty sure Akaashi was here a moment ago. Maybe the introverted guy got scared and shy when Kuroo was approaching them.

He sighs, ‘You scared him off’

‘Who?’ Kuroo asks even though he already has an answer in mind.

‘My other friend, Akaashi, he was here a moment ago and now he’s gone, he must have gotten shy seeing you pant towards us’ Bokuto chuckles, shaking his head.

‘Bokuto’ Kuroo whispers, seeing his friend stand up from the cold metallic bench with chipped yellow paint.

‘Hmm?’ Bokuto hums, picking up his guitar.

‘Who were you with?’ Kuroo asks slowly, he doesn’t want to trigger it any further.

‘Akaashi, my friend who lives in this neighborhood, you know you should meet him sometime he’s a really cool person, I’ll try to convince him if I ever get the chance.’ Bokuto smiles, making Kuroo’s heart skip a beat.

The day he fears is here again.

This is exactly like last year.

Exactly like last year.

‘Let’s get you home’ Kuroo forced a smile, patting Bokuto’s shoulder before they make their way towards Bokuto’s house.

* * *

****Twelve days** **

‘He met that Akaashi guy again huh?’ Kenma asks, picking up the ball from the ground and putting it in the basket where they keep all the volleyballs.

‘Yeah’ Kuroo nods his head, loosening the screws of the net in the middle of the gym. ‘It’s exactly like last year, and he doesn’t seem to remember anything either’ He shook his head, lowering the poles.

‘This is bad, I thought he completely recovered from that’ Kenma makes his way towards the net to help Kuroo clean up.

‘I thought so too, I mean I thought he was doing well but when I asked him yesterday he told me he has been meeting with Akaashi for eleven days now, but it’s too early to tell his parents, right?’ Kuroo asks and with the expression on Kenma’s face, he knows that they are thinking of two different things.

‘Too early? I think it’s the perfect time to tell them. We can’t have last year happen again. Do you remember when you found him near the park unconscious? Ever since then he has never been the same’

‘Yea that’s why I went looking for him when he wasn’t answering his phone, turns out it is exactly the same’ Kuroo sighs.

Kenma reaches out to pat Kuroo in the back, ‘It’s time Kuroo, he doesn’t deserve to go through that again’ 

* * *

**_**One year ago** _ **

**__ **

_‘Bokuto, will you please just calm down’ Bokuto’s mother stated, pulling his arm away from the front door._

_‘No! How could you expect me to just be calm if he could be out there waiting for me right now!’ Bokuto screams, trying to pry his mother’s hands away from him._

_‘Bokuto!’ She tried once again, her grip tightening on his wrist, but Bokuto is just too eager. There was a moment where the both of them grew tired before Bokuto spoke up once again._

_‘Let me go, I have to see him’ He said, almost like a faint whisper that only the both of them could hear._

_‘He’s not real’ She breathes out, out of breath from all the struggling they did early on. She could feel Bokuto’s muscles easing up with the realization, but not entirely giving up._

_‘What are you saying?’_

_‘He’s not real Bokuto, this kid Akaashi is not real’_

_Bokuto could feel tears welling up the side of his eyes as he tries to convince himself otherwise. He doesn’t know exactly why he doesn’t believe his own mother but their relationship wasn’t that great either so choosing to trust her is just out of his reach right now._

_How could he not be real?_

_After everything they did together and all those times they spent with each other._

_All those emotions he felt when he was with him,_

_how could it not be real?_

_This doesn’t make any sense. How can someone who is not real makes him feel more alive than the supposedly real people around him?_

_How could someone he loves so much turn out to be-_

_He twisted his arm, forcing his mother to let go of him. He has to see Akaashi, he has to see him now._

_The walk towards the familiar place was short but he couldn’t seem to catch his breath, he looks around hoping to see the familiarity of the guy he has been seeing all these time, but to no avail he couldn’t see anyone with dark hair and perfectly tanned skin with dark blue eyes that is captivating._

_He couldn't find him, and that’s how screaming was the only thing that came to his mind. Maybe if he calls his name loud enough, he would hear him and he would come and prove everyone wrong._

_Maybe he would walk right passed him and prove that he is real and not just someone living inside his mind._

_‘Akaashi!’ He screamed, his throat hurting in the process. The cold air not helping him at all, he might regret any of this tomorrow but tonight it seems like the best thing to do._

_‘Akaashi!’ He tried once more, but this time louder. There’s no way in hell he would let this go that easily._

_There’s no way in hell, he would just let Akaashi go._

_After a couple more screams, he could feel the tears running down his face, as he tries to look at every corner of the park they usually hang out to._

_‘Akaashi! Please!’ and with that his knees gave up on him. He could feel the cold ground hitting his ass as he plop down at the concrete._

_What they’re saying is not real._

_It can’t be._

* * *

****Thirteen days** **

****

‘Why’d you just disappear the other day?’ Bokuto asks, scratching the back of his head, ‘You could have met my friend Kuroo, I know he looks intimidating but I swear he’s a really nice guy’

Akaashi didn’t answer instead he just shrugs, waiting for Bokuto to tell him what’s bothering him.

That’s why he’s really here for, right?

To be Bokuto’s avenue to relieve stress and to absorb all those that are bothering Bokuto. He’s nothing but a mere companion and that’s all he would ever be.

‘I’m telling you, we could have so much fun if we just meet on a time where we literally could go to places that are open. I think we’ve seem enough of this bench already’ Bokuto rolled his eyes, chuckling to himself.

‘Bokuto-san, you can enjoy those things without me’ Akaashi smiled gently to him, making his heart pound. Akaashi just makes him feel stuff and he doesn’t have it in him to complain.

‘Pfft, but it would be so much better if you’re there, so please can we go somewhere? Somewhere else that is not chilly or dark like this place?’

‘What’s your favorite place to go to?’ Akaashi asks, completely ignoring the hollow plans off Bokuto, knowing damn well it wouldn’t be possible.

Bokuto hums, thinking about it carefully before answering, ‘I don’t really have a specific place that I could call my favorite but to answer your question I think it would be the beach, I love the sound of the waves and the feeling of sand warming up my toes or or or’ Bokuto repeated like a child filled with enthusiasm, ‘Fukurodani’s gym, I guess. I love the sound of cheers whenever I score a point or the sound of sneakers scratching the floors whenever someone’s about to receive the ball’ He smiles, remembering the feeling of just being alive in front of people who are there to support him. ‘What about you Akaashi? Where’s your favorite place to be?’

Bokuto doesn’t really know if he expected a specific answer but the next words coming out of Akaashi’s mouth made him crack a smile.

‘Here’

Bokuto laughs, ‘Oh come on, there must be somewhere else you love to go to’

Akaashi shakes his head, ‘No, I think I’m good right here’ he answered tapping the small space in between them, which Bokuto find really cute.

‘Don’t you ever get bored?’

‘Not that I know of, I enjoy it here. I enjoy being with you Bokuto-san’

‘You know what?’ Bokuto blurted out, shifting his position to look at Akaashi directly, ‘We should get out of here, we should go out and explore the rest of the world outside of this small town. I know we can do it, can you?’

‘Can I what?’ Akaashi raises an eyebrow, crossing his arms over his chest, amused at how enthusiastic Bokuto could get while talking about things he really wants to do.

‘Can you wait until then?’

There was a moment when no one between them said a word before Akaashi cleared his throat, ‘I am always right here, I am not going anywhere, so to answer your question, waiting is all I do.’

Bokuto smiles, not really fully grasping what Akaashi is trying to say, ‘I’m taking that as a yes. How about we make a pact? Right before we graduate college, in about fiver years, we’ll meet right here and from then forward we’ll do the things we always wanted to do?’

‘Together?’

‘Together’ Bokuto smiles from ear to ear, leaning his weight into the bench behind him, he couldn’t help but feel excited for when that time comes for the both of them.

This is it, this is hope.

‘The sky is so pretty tonight Akaashi’

* * *

****Fifteen days** **

‘Can you promise me that?’ Akaashi asks, looking at the guy sitting beside him, ‘Play volleyball once again, I know you love it. It would be such a shame if you won’t continue doing it’

Bokuto looks at the guy who’s already been looking at him with a warm smile. ‘That’s easy, just promise you would watch me play’ he winks, spending all these time with Akaashi made him feel more comfortable with the other.

‘You won’t possibly see me in the crowd of people watching’

Bokuto grasps his chest, acting offended, ‘What do you think of me? Of course I won’t’ He laughs jokingly, earning an eye roll from the other guy. ‘I’m kidding, of course I’ll see you, no amount of crowd would hide your messy bird’s nest for a hair’

‘Fair point’ Akaashi laughs, slightly fixing his hair that became a mess because of the wind but before he could even do so, Bokuto reached out, his fingers almost grazing Akaashi’s hair before the latter cleared his throat making his hand stop mid air. Their faces only inches away from each other, and if Bokuto is brave enough he could cross the distance.

But no matter how close Akaashi could get, they will never touch, the almost would remain as almost, that’s just how it is.

He sighs, ‘I think I like you Akaashi, I think I really do’ he looks up at the sky, not having enough courage to look at how the other guy would react, nonetheless, for him that’s enough for now.

They have plenty of time, he has to make sure of that. He closes his eyes with the thought of his favorite person right beside him, and with that he drifted into a peaceful nap.

In the next hour or so, Bokuto woke up, alone on a cold and hard bench.

* * *

****Sixteen days** **

‘Good afternoon Doc’ He smiles, closing the door after entering the clinic of his Doctor for almost three years now.

‘Hi Bokuto, how are you?’ He smiled back, encouraging him to take a seat in front of him which he gladly took, he knows what his Doctor is going to say. Since he has been feeling quite better and that he was only supposed to take his medication until tomorrow, he knows that whatever this is, would be grate news.

‘I’m great, I’ve been doing a lot better. Thanks to you’ He blurted honestly which was welcomed with another smile from the man sitting in front of him, ‘Actually, I was wondering why you called me a day early instead of just meeting with me tomorrow like what we agreed upon’ He answered, shooting curious gaze towards his Doctor.

‘I called you here to congratulate you about your recovery’ He smiled, making Bokuto feel accomplished with how far he has come. ‘But of course we would still be meeting each other to observe you even more and to make sure that you wouldn’t need any more assistance, but I can assure you that you don’t have to take your medications anymore, well not after tomorrow at least.’

He didn’t reply, he couldn’t get himself to say anything. He really is saying goodbye to this part of his life.

Maybe he could play volleyball again.

Or maybe he could really teach Akaashi, for real.

There’s a lot of possibilities and he feels like his life is just starting.

When he didn’t reply his Doctor took this chance to open up about the real reason on why he called Bokuto today, ‘Your parents called in, and they said that one of your friends told them that you have been spending some time outside of the house? Is that true?’

He furrowed his eyebrows, the only person he could think of would be Kuroo, but why would Kuroo tell them that out of nowhere? He couldn’t help but feel betrayed for just a little. He just couldn’t see the need for his parents to know or for it to even reach his Doctor.

‘Yeah’ He hanged, not exactly knowing what to say. ‘I guess I have, what does that supposed to do with this?’ He asks, raising one eyebrow.

‘Well how is that going for you?’

He squinted his eyes, he really doesn’t know how this could affect his situation but he still decided to answer since he’s already here anyways, ‘Good I think? Actually it helped me a lot, I have been meeting with a friend of mine so it’s not like I’m completely alone’

His Doctor cleared his throat before taking down something on his notes, before it even had the chance to ask him another question he made sure to ask something first. ‘I’m confused’ He forced a smile, titling his head to the sides before asking, ‘What does this have to do with my condition?’

His Doctor stopped writing down before looking up at him, ‘Well, have you been taking your medication before going out?’

With that, he stopped, he now knows where he could have done something wrong but at this point lying wouldn’t get him anywhere so he answered truthfully.

‘Yeah’ He answered slowly, observing how his Doctor would react.

‘Have you read the side effects that might occur?’

‘Yeah I did, but I haven’t really encountered one of those yet’

His Doctor nodded, ‘Uh huh, but did you know that there might be mild hallucinations or sometimes even what we call delusions that might occur while you take your meds?’

‘What are you saying, Doc?’

‘This hallucinations may sometimes be in a form of a thing that our mind made up to help us cope with what we’re dealing with, or in some cases, a person. A person that we project into this world, into our world, to be a friend, a companion of some sort to be with us-’

‘What are you trying to say?’ Bokuto really hope what his Doctor would say next would be something completely different from what his brain is trying to come up with.

It can’t be.

‘This person that we made up, Bokuto, is someone perfect in our minds. That’s why they are “here” in the first place. They are made to fit our coping mechanisms perfectly. So at some point they may seem very helpful, a good listener perhaps? Or a great friend or a lover, that is, if we could differentiate what’s real from what’s not. This always depends on what you need the most at that time-’

He knows how rude it is to interrupt but he just couldn’t sit here and listen to this vague explanation, ‘Doc, I don’t understand, what are you trying to say?’

The man in front of him takes off his eyeglasses to look at him directly in the eyes, ‘Have you met someone new on the first time you took your medication this time around Bokuto?’

He knows exactly who it is, but does he have it in him to admit it?

‘I haven’t’ He lies, avoiding eye contact.

His Doctor sighs, ‘You see, last year, we encountered the same exact case.’ he started to explain a little further, making Bokuto feel his heartbeat in his throat.

His palms are starting to get sweaty, and his knees are moving on their own.

‘But then it got out of hand, where the person couldn’t differentiate his reality from his delusions anymore, that person was you Bokuto.’ He explained, tapping his pen on his notepad and that’s all it takes for Bokuto to stand up and make his way towards the door before the next words from his Doctor’s mouth caught him off guard.

‘You met Akaashi last year too, he really is a great listener, a great friend, from what I remember he’s also good looking’

He stopped dead on his tracks before looking back to the man looking up at him, unfazed.

‘How-’

‘Bokuto, Akaashi is a product of your needs. He is the personified version of your walls. I’m sorry that you have to get through this once again but-’

‘You’re lying’ He shakes his head but by the looks on his Doctor’s face makes him rethink everything believes in.

‘Once you’re done with your medications he would also disappear, along with everything that he came with. Well, not really disappear because he was never real Bokuto. You made him up in your mind. I wish I could tell you this in a much better way, but seeing that I heard about it a little later than I should have, we don’t have enough time to discuss this before you get faced with the fact that he’s gone’

‘I don’t believe you, he’s real, I was with him for almost three weeks already, he’s real you just haven’t seen him yet’ He shakes his head, blocking all the thought that considers this insanity that he is in.

‘Bokuto, it would just be harder for you if you continue to-’

He chuckles, finding it hard to process what really is happening, ‘You’re fucking lying’ Right now he doesn’t give a damn if he sounds rude, how can they just expect him to believe this? Are they trying to make a fool out of him right now?

He scoffs , walking towards the table to be closer to the person he’s talking with, ‘So you’re telling me that tomorrow would be the last time I would see him? You’re telling me that the medication that you made me take urged me to make up this imaginary person to help me cope with this fucking life?’

The look on his Doctors eyes saddens him even more, ‘Yes’

He sighs, pulling on his hair, ‘How can you call this a recovery?’ He scoffs, turning around and leaving, for real this time.

He still couldn’t believe the things he just heard.

Akaashi is real, and he’s going to prove it, even if it takes him looking like a fool to do so.

* * *

**_**One year ago** _ **

**__ **

_The rain was hitting his skin harder and harder in each moment but he doesn’t really care as he stares at the guy in front of him._

_‘Bokuto-san, you’re going to get sick.’_

_‘Is it real?’_

_‘What’s real is up to us’ Akaashi smiled, and there it is again, the slight pang in his chest._

_‘Akaashi’ He sighs, the tears that are starting to form in the side of his eyes are mixing with the rain water, making him question if even those are real. ‘I won’t believe them, I don’t want to believe them, just tell me. Tell me that you’re real and I’ll believe you. That’s all it takes Akaashi, please’ At this time, he’s already bawling his eyes out._

_He wasn’t supposed to take his medications today and he knows the risks but if what they are saying is true then he has to see it by himself, he has to know for sure._

_He needs to hear it from Akaashi and there’s only one way to do so._

_‘If you can’t convince yourself then I’m no better’_

_His knees starts buckling as he got what Akaashi is trying to say, but he remained silent to listen to what it’s about to say._

_‘What’s real for you is also real for me, we’re no different. I’m just another half of you.’_

_‘So its true? You’re not, y-you’re not real?’ His lips quiver from the cold and from the pain he’s feeling piercing through his chest._

_When Akaashi didn’t answer, he took a step closer to try and hold the guy in front of him. Maybe being in physical contact with the latter would convince him but as he reaches out his hand, all he got was the truth. His hand rested on Akaashi’s cheeks, swiping his thumb on it but he couldn’t feel anything._

_How could they be so close but not exactly meeting?_

_He couldn’t stop the tears streaming down his face as he’s starting to believe the truth. The cold is starting to get to him as he the rain started getting stronger._

_‘I’m sorry’ Akaashi whispered and that’s all it takes for Bokuto to try and embrace his figure and for a brief moment he swore he could almost feel Akaashi’s frame against him._

_He could almost feel his breath tickling his neck._

_But like any other moment that happened between them, it was just a fraction of a second._

* * *

****Last Day** **

Bokuto felt like running, running an endless race that he couldn’t quite finish despite of having sight of the finish line.

Almost crossing but never really there.

He stopped when he saw the person that has been living in his mind, literally and figuratively.

For Bokuto, Akaashi is an endless dream, the one where you’ll wake up smiling or singing but no matter how happy you are for being given another day to live, to wake up smiling, he wouldn’t choose waking up over a dream of everything he ever wanted.

Akaashi is everything he ever wanted.

He wants to believe that he has already spent thousands of lifetimes with Akaashi because no matter how short of a time they had with each other, he feels like he’s known Akaashi more than anything in the world.

‘You’re early today’ Akaashi smiled, looking up at the boy in front of him before he looks down to his watch just to confirm that it is just 2:50 am. The cold air brushes his skin as he looks towards Bokuto who is now fidgeting.

‘I don’t want to be late on the last day’ Bokuto said, his voice shaking as he looks back on the past few cold mid-nights they spent together.

Akaashi chuckles, ‘You don’t look too excited for someone who’s supposedly recovering’ he arches his eyebrows, from the short amount of time he knew Bokuto, he knows how hard Bokuto is trying right now not to pout and bawl its eyes out, making him feel a brief sense of relief.

It’s not bad to think that Bokuto would somehow miss him.

‘Am I?’ Bokuto breathes out, forming a fog in front of his face.

‘Are you what?’ He doesn’t want to be that person but he couldn’t help but make Bokuto spell it out for him to fully understand. That’s what he’s here for. To be a friend. A companion that is willing to listen.

‘Am I really recovering?’ Bokuto asks as if he couldn’t believe it himself, even though he heard of it a few times now. He even got the printed copy of his results he still couldn’t believe it.

He’s down to his last pill and that’s it.

That’s the end of whatever this is.

‘I don’t know’ Akaashi answered, clasping his hands together leaning his chin on top of his cold fingers. ‘You’re the only one who could really tell’

‘That means, this is the last time that I’m going to see you’ Bokuto said once again, like hoping that if he said it enough it would change the fact that he would be forced to face the world alone once again.

‘Yeah’ Akaashi nods his head, looking up at the stars above them. ‘Why did you only ever phone me when you’re high?’ Akaashi smirks, getting cocky at the regret that is slightly forming across Bokuto’s face.

For the first time, Bokuto couldn’t think of anything else to say, instead he rolled his eyes. ‘Haha very funny’

Akaashi laughs, ‘It is a little bit funny, right?’

Bokuto sighs, ‘If we were given the chance to really meet, would you choose to meet me over again?’

‘I think you should ask yourself that question, are you willing to got through this again-’

‘Yes, If that means I would ever get to meet you again, then yes, I would’ He answered in a heartbeat making Akaashi shake his head, sighing.

‘That is just not healthy, Bokuto-san.’ He said, watching as Bokuto takes a seat on the old bench. ‘You know I’m really proud of you for recovering, please don’t take it for granted’

‘But-’

‘I am always here, I am you, duh. I am the other half, remember?’

‘That doesn’t mean anything’

‘It does. It certainly does, choosing me also means choosing yourself.’ Akaashi smiled sadly, he doesn’t know that even a mere figment of imagination could look sad and somehow feel it too.

‘I can’t let you go’ Bokuto looks up, trying really hard not to freak out, but it seems like it’s too late for that now.

‘Who says I’m going? Like I said, I am always with you, it’s just that you wouldn’t be able to see me as much.’

Bokuto looks at the ground, dragging his feet to doodle stuff, just to avoid saying goodbye. He knows in a couple of hours this would all just be a distant memory of his.

‘I love you, Akaashi’ He blurted out, sounding as insane as he could ever get, but he doesn’t really care.

Akaashi laughs, ‘Ditto’

* * *

****5 years later** **

Bokuto looks around the place he treated as somewhere really special and close to his heart. Its like time didn’t even touch the place for it looks exactly the same, looks like the only thing that really changed was him. He patted the bench before sitting on it, the cold metal touching his skin gently. 

Ever since that time in his life, he has never look at the world the same way as he did before, and he never looked at himself the same too. As sad as he got for letting a friend go, it was necessary for him.

He learned how to forgive the people around him and most importantly he saw sides of himself, corners, nooks, and crannies, that he didn’t know even existed. Sometimes he would even think that it was that old friend, making a visit. Reminding him that he’s still there, with him in every places he would ever go.

And it is comfort.

Comfort that kept him going.

He inhaled, the crisp air enveloping his figure as he reaches out to his pockets, taking out a letter that he made specifically for a certain someone. Even though he wasn’t real, Bokuto still felt the need for closure, and one thing to do that was through this letter.

It’s the only thing he could think of.

He took a moment before he opened the letter, reading what’s inside, making sure he didn’t miss anything to say. Five years was more than enough to prepare him for this.

_Akaashi,_

_You’re persistent, confident, and competitive, you like to take control. You are everything I am not. The thought of you being the other half of me, was something I couldn’t grasp. You see, I like to go with my own pace. I like to do things with the motivation of bringing peace to myself rather than showing the world the things that I can do. I open my heart easily and show my soul completely. bare. my mind got used to getting naked in front of people I don't recognize, sometimes even to people I just manifested into the universe._

_A person like you, likes unraveling things you don't like accepting what is given rather, you like discovering it like answers of questions floating inside your head. You always know what you want and reaching for the stars became a gift you openly received from above. As for me, I like the embrace of the unknown. I like being drifted into places i haven't been before._

_Unfamiliarity is my second home. connections are parallel. distance are equal. we will never meet in between._

_You are persistent, confident, and competitive. I used to think I wasn’t like that, at all. Abhorrence seems unfamiliar, feeling the confidence you radiate gives comfort and joy. Once arrogance now turned into passion. The things that I use to despise became reasons to admire more of you._

_Each and everyday becomes more of you._

_Suddenly I don't recognize my own pace for it reminds me of you. You became the mirror of the things I want to be. Now, how do I find my motivation when all I can think of is proving that connections could meet, distance can be crossed, and the middle is where I can find you._

_Again._

_After those long dragging years, I can still see a sight of you, smiling and waiting for me at midnight and sometimes I even crave your presence but please be proud of me, I tried playing volleyball again and now in college I am actually the captain of our team. I ended up going to that university I always told you about and would you believe it, Kuroo and Kenma are actually nearer than they ever was._

_Just between you and me, I think there’s something going on between those two._

_I’m still going to therapy but only once every two months right now, I decided to take care of myself more because if you say that you are a half of me, a portion of myself, then taking care of myself is like choosing you._

_Everyday I am choosing you._

_I really wish you are here with me. You could have seen me win the MVP last year, whenever asked whom I’m playing for, just know that when I say it’s for the world, it’s you._

_You were once my world._

_You still are, if I really dig deep._

_Sometimes I still look into the crowd with the hopes of seeing your messy hair standing out from the people, but of course you weren’t, I haven’t been taking medications since then._

_I’ve been doing better._

_It’s all thanks to you._

_I miss you, Akaashi._

_\- Bokuto_

He breathes out, folding the paper back to it’s original form before deciding to go. When he was about to stand up, he notices his shoelaces untied, bending down he tie it tightly before he heard someone cleared his throat, making him look up.

‘Uhm excuse me?’

Meeting a familiar pair of dark blue eyes, his heart skip a beat. This time, for some odd reason, he knows for sure this isn’t made up.

He could feel it.

‘Is this seat taken?’

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading this story, It's shorter than I wanted but I don't want to drag the story even more. If you guys want to read more of my works, you could suggest ships or characters at the comment section or to my ANIME TWITTER ACCOUNT: @lameforkei


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